Letting go is like floating on top of water
The waves crashing against my body
Opening my eyes to discover the ocean blue sky
The tightness in my muscles banish
My fingers and toes start to tingle
I am suddenly so relaxed, I’m numb
My face begins to curve
I am suddenly smiling
Goosebumps appear all over my body
So fulfilled
So unbothered
And so at peace
Trust the process
Protect it with each finger working as shields
One day this stress will become a lesson
Eventually, that lesson will be apart of your life’s journey
we often get stuck because we think we are lost, just keep moving
Falling too hard on your face
Leaving a scar only a mother could love
Don’t let it define you
Let it inspire you
Branch out, far and wide.
Spread your wings
Let your past be your motivation
Your past does not define you
We are all problematic; we are not perfect
Never will be
Accept that your path may be rough and others are not so much
Find a way to incorporate those adversities in your everyday life
Blessings are on the way, love
Trust your process
Sometimes I feel like I’m talking to myself. I’ve begun to acknowledge the words I put into the universe; it always seems to come back 10x depending on what you put out. I’ve been extremely vulnerable these past few months and it’s taken me back a bit. I’m so raw and honest about my emotions and my position in life right now that I feel as though people are walking away. It’s really sad because I care for these people so much, but the reciprocation is nonexistent. I love and care for myself as well as them so much that I am allowing these beings to be set free from me. It hurts to see them slowing disappearing, but I know it is vital that I let go. In order for me to continue flourishing, I must do what feels right for all parties. Letting go and evolving into the woman I hope to be. Love yourself endlessly so that no one else feels they have to.
Even though you are sad a lot
I look at you and smile
You are the most beautiful person I have ever known
Your heart is so big
You love the people that are in your life to the fullest
Your worst days are actually your best days
You walk through life like it’s your last
You appreciate the small things in life
The people in your life genuinely care for you and love you
Life isn’t always easy, but you live for the hard days
The days that challenge you the most
The days that push you out of your comfort zone
Nothing comes easy, but you’d rather work for it anyway
You pray for others more than you pray for yourself
Waking up is enough to be happy about for you
Seeing your family happy enough to live on
You acknowledge how special and beneficial you are to this earth
You serve a purpose
You simply, love
I am so happy to be you
Living with anxiety is like being disheveled in the grocery store line when the cashier hands you your change because you fear you’re taking too long. So instead of taking a breather and relax; I drop all of the coins on the floor trying to juggle the receipt, the coins, and my ten dollar bill. Living with anxiety is like crawling into bed and finally closing your eyes, but then the thought of your baby sister falling out of a window and you find yourself crying because it felt incredibly real. This happens to me a lot actually and it really sucks; sometimes I have to take drugs (sleeping medicine) to get myself to sleep when those days sneak up on me. The fear of driving because there are people watching you and waiting for you to fail, but you tell yourself to stay strong. Driving used to exhaust me to the point where I literally have to tap out for the rest of the day because I have physically and mentally drained myself by talking to my self the entire drive. I grip the steering wheel so hard as if I am holding the car together and if I let go it will all fall apart; my entire body tenses up. Once I get out of the car, it feels like I’ve been working out for hours and my hands start to shake. Every single time I get out of that car I ask myself “But did you die though?” Because it’s reassurance that I made it and I need to stop being so hard on myself. It’s still a struggle to get behind the wheel, but a little Beyonce makes everything better.
Do you want to know what also sucks? Thinking the people you care about don’t want anything to do with you, so you choose not to reach out to them until you feel like it’s the right time. Or wanting to be invited out to events with friends, but not having the energy to go because the thought of going means having to find something to wear and having to converse with people. I love going out talking to new people and just having a good time, it’s just getting there and removing those toxic thoughts out of my mind. Over the past year and some change, I have grown some tough skin and I have been talking to myself daily; words of affirmation really works. Sometimes you have to talk to yourself in your own love language. Loving myself and telling myself everything is okay when I am doing great almost always get me through my anxiety attacks. Living with anxiety is like living in fear every single day of my life, I’m always thinking ahead to avoid any obstacles. It’s so exhausting, which is why I take time to myself these days; so much self-love is needed. Take care of yourself first and you might not even have to worry later; you’ll be prepared. Meditate and breathe.
Sitting on the edge of a rock while my feet hover over the ocean swinging back and forth. I inhaled so deep and closed my eyes while I exhaled. I hear nothing but the ocean waves and the seagulls flying overhead. The smell of the salt is so strong I can taste it. This place brings me to a quiet place that is usually very loud and chaotic; like one thought would manifest the next thought and the next thought would bring fear. But when I am here, it isn’t just me; I become one with the ocean, the rocks, and the wind. I start setting intentions and thinking positivity into my life; all the while meditating to the sound of one of life’s most precious gifts. We sometimes get too wrapped in the adversities we face in our everyday lives and we forget to check in on ourselves. And we when forget to check in, we often become unrecognizable to ourselves. We don’t want to get up and do those simple tasks we tell ourselves to do daily, because the bed sounds like a much better place to be. Small tasks such as taking a shower or just leaving my bedroom for a couple of hours was dreadful for me when I was going through a rough time in my life. I found something that takes me to a place and relaxes my entire body and most importantly my mind. There is nothing more important than self-care; I get it, your career is important to you and it is vital that you stay on top of it. Except, how will you be able to continue to excel in your career if you’re not in a healthy mindset? If you’re not in the best mental health, then you’re probably not in the best physical health; which leads to poor health choices and it will have a negative impact on your physical health leading to future conditions. All I’m saying is take the time you need for yourself. If you love your life, family, friends, and career; how the hell will you be able to show them if you’re not showing it to yourself. We must take care of ourselves first, even if that means a little retail shopping. Find that place or that thing, then find the peace in it and you’ll become one with everything.
Love comes. Love goes. But it often comes back. Whether it be with your previous partner or with someone else. So I encourage you to live your life to the fullest the way you want. Don’t ever change how you view yourself because you are hurting. You are enough and you are absolutely worthy. Relationships either make us or break us; mostly they make us the person we strive to be. My past relationships were toxic because I was toxic and I was careless. I was living my life and not thinking about the emotional headspace my partners were in. My first relationship, I was given permission by my girlfriend at the time to go and experience another woman. I really liked this woman at the time, so I went ahead and experienced someone else and it was horrible. Everything about that night was horrible! That next morning my girlfriend at the time came in the apartment to pick me up and I still thought nothing of it. All three of us sat on the couch just talking about what we should do that day and later that day we all went to the mall. Once we were in the mall I realized that I was the hugest asshole because of the way she was treating my girlfriend and in a way I indirectly gave her the okay to feel superior to her. I lost interest immediately and my girlfriend cried in the mall. After my ex and I broke up I hooked u with that girl again and the sex was just horrible, I don’t think we had chemistry at all, it was not working. We were working strictly with appearances; I was attractive and so was she.
My second relationship was with an older woman. I was about 18; I had just graduated high school and she wanted me to move to Atlanta with her. I believe she was about 27 at the time. We were on completely different paths in our lives. I just graduated high school, I was looking into schools in Atlanta, she had a business she was running and she is also an artist. I don’t think we ever had that moment where we were like, “dang, I’m really into you” because the same day I got there I already knew it wouldn’t work, but I pushed for it anyway. She’s a grown woman who needs someone on her level and honestly, I wasn’t trying to be that person and I know she wasn’t trying to raise a child, because that’s exactly what I was; she would always tell me I was mature for my age, but I really wasn’t. Eventually, I moved back home and I’d get accused of cheating whenever I went out with my friends, I never cheated on her by the way, but I was just tired of it. She finally broke up with me and I was hurt because I didn’t see it coming and that felt like rejection in the worse way. My emotions weren’t in deep, thank god. She ended up calling me on and off and I thought it was fine because we were no longer together, I liked it better that way, but I just felt like I was wasting her time, I’m not what she was looking for. Then eventually she cut me off completely and I felt a way because I always wanted to be there, but in a selfish way. I was a very manipulative person, always hitting up my exes just to see if I was still on their mind.
My last relationship before my current wasn’t supposed to happen; it happened too soon I should say. She lived in San Francisco and I lived here; Minnesota. It lasted about 3 years, it was great until I stopped getting the attention I wanted. She stopped calling as much and just didn’t sound happy, I wish she would have broken it off because I tend to hold on to things longer than I should. She was a great person, but once I lose interest it’s over. Our third year I started seeing other people, I even tried hooking up with a guy, but I’m really too gay for all that. That’s a story for another time. This relationship and my first one have to be the worst shit I’ve ever done to anyone. I met a woman, who is now my partner and we got really close within a few weeks of knowing each other. Honestly, I wasn’t expecting us to get as close as we did, I planned on moving with my ex in San Francisco and it was getting harder and harder to leave because I was so interested in this woman I met. I ended up moving anyway, my ex found out I was talking to someone else and flipped out, as expected because I was a shit head. To make matters worse I had absolutely no remorse for her feelings, I simply did not care. I’m not a heartless person, but even though I didn’t care, it just felt wrong and I was confused as to why I didn’t feel her hurt. I watched her cry with a straight face and told her I was moving back home, I didn’t want to work it out. I left her in that apartment to move everything on her own, to settle the paperwork, and I left her to deal with her emotions on her own. After a few months I was disgusted with myself; so I wrote her via email apologizing. I know, how fucking selfish, you only wrote her so that you can let go of your guilt. Well, that guilt fucked me up and I deserved it. It really opened my eyes, I will never ever treat a person like that in my life ever again. I went to therapy for a multitude of reasons and the guilt I felt for hurting her was also the reason I attended. I was struggling to find out who I was and why I acted the way I did, I was completely heartless and that’s just not me! I have a heart of gold and I am the most compassionate person I know. My first girlfriend, who is now my best friend; every now and then I think about what I did to her and I hate myself. Like I said before, I tend to have a hard time letting things go.
I have been committed to this incredible woman for 4 going on 5 years now and she treats me like a queen. I have no idea what I did to deserve her. She has taught me so much about love, even though I am her first love. I have never loved a soul the way I love hers. Every single day I find myself asking how did I get so lucky? Every day I fall in love even more! We clicked right away, she had me writing her hella poems and shit; confessing my love. At the end of the day, don’t let an asshole like me fuck up your perception of love; I was dealing with my own shit and most of the time it has nothing to do with the people involved. If you’re blaming yourself because your partner left and cheated on you, stop it! You’re great! Someone who is unable to show you the respect you deserve doesn’t need to be in your life. If you’re feeling insecure after he/she cheated on you, don’t; they’re the ones with the problems. If you never want to love again, too bad, it’s going to happen and you will find someone who appreciates all of you whether you like it or not! After all that bullshit I put women through, I was given chances after chances to make it right. We do change, in yo face, bitches!
Fifty thousand miles away from a place I live, but I can’t call home
The shades began to open letting the sunrise slip into my hotel room
Glazing over my legs,
so warm and orange
As I sit on my bed reminiscing about you,
Silky set on from the night before in hopes of hearing my door creek and I play like I’m asleep
Legs wide open
The sunrise has covered my entire body making me so warm inside
And all of a sudden so sticky
Who would have thought being alone in this city would bring me so much pleasure
Reaching into the nightstand next to the bed and with a click of a button I had the most intense orgasm not even a tape could measure
I massage my hands through my curly fro and whispered my own name,
I had to get myself together
