I find it easy to heal you
Seeing that I understand the root of things
The root of your things
You brush everything and under the rug
Not knowing you always leave a trail
I always find where you went wrong
I’m always there to help clean it up
This time around you found a new stop
You directed me to it
We picked it apart
You cleaned it up
You were too surface level
Unable to reach my mind at it’s lowest
Your love was premature
I don’t know why I craved it so much
It still hurts to let you go so soon
But it’ll feel better knowing I didn’t lose much
I realized you were the one when you stayed longer
You listened to my worries,
even when repeated
I really wanted you there and you wanted to be there
You leaned into my trauma, not taking it on as your own
But to be my support blanket
You wrapped your warm arms around me
Night and day
Day and night
Some days we never saw the sun come up
You watched me stretch across that finish line
You waited for me on the other side
It was alway you
Lost in the way you stare into my eyes
I stumble over my left foot
My cheeks immediately turn red and my armpits are wet
Somehow, my panties are too
The smirk on your face was confirmation that you like to see me in distress
I reminded myself 10 times white jeans were a mistake
But, for some reason you convinced me
except, you weren’t even present
The red wine you bought was visible on my crotch
resembling a period stain
She demanded that I remove my jeans and she would replace them
What she came down with was not what she promised
As if she promised anything at all
My heart began to pound loudly
I was afraid she would hear
Hands began to feel clammy
I was hoping she wouldn’t ask for my hand
Yet, she asked for both
She directed me to her cold floor
where I slowly planted my knees on, firmly
This replacement was much better than I’d imagine
It looked a lot bigger from down here
She demanded I that I make it disappear, so I did.
That night, I left with more than a fantasy.
I am invisible to you
So I think
I fantasize about you daily
In hopes of manifesting you into my bed
Or yours
Intertwined in your soft thick thighs
You take the lead this time around
Planting kisses on every sensitive spot
Wrap your hand around my neck
That grip just makes everything that much more intense
Don’t hold back
I’m no angel
Treat me roughly
Do what comes to mind
My only safe word is more
It’s what I desire
You hate to see it
But the bare minimum won’t get you by
That pretty face won’t last you a lifetime
These likes you thrive off will soon die
You have have to face the real you
Then you will soon be forced to love you
But you hate to see it
Dealing with your trauma the best way I know how
Living and breathing on shells daily
Stuck under a rock and a wall you placed between us
Frozen at the front door of my own home
I see you working on demanding more of me
The look on your face when you think you’ve got it figured out
Afraid to let me in
I see the child and I want to set her free
But she can’t be freed here
She took a long drag
Enough time to reflect on her life
All she did was blink and it was the end of all
Nothing left but a pendant to store the remembrance of what was
She was afraid
But the lesson was in the journey
She was resilient
To the young girl with the empty notepad
Exploring the unknown
Trying to find the words to express her hurt
Her sadness
Yet, forgiveness
The darkness that forced her to leave
A place that is now so foreign
A place which awakens her with memories of drifting away slowly, forever
She never takes enough
An emptiness that you can hear from the outside of her body
Hallow and silent
Her destination surely determines her fate
You pretend there isn’t a storm
Nothing to protect you from the rain and hail
You walk barefoot in the alley
Glass hidden in the cracks of the pavement
Penetrating the soles of your feet
You never complained
You took on the ocean
You never swam in anything deeper than 5ft
Yet you rode waves
shaping your own reality
Living freely
You never feared a thing
You said it never existed
It was all an illusion
I found your diary
Your fears were hidden in thin pages
Wrinkles on each
Written in cursive
Numbered
I was number one
