Living with anxiety is like being disheveled in the grocery store line when the cashier hands you your change because you fear you’re taking too long. So instead of taking a breather and relax; I drop all of the coins on the floor trying to juggle the receipt, the coins, and my ten dollar bill. Living with anxiety is like crawling into bed and finally closing your eyes, but then the thought of your baby sister falling out of a window and you find yourself crying because it felt incredibly real. This happens to me a lot actually and it really sucks; sometimes I have to take drugs (sleeping medicine) to get myself to sleep when those days sneak up on me. The fear of driving because there are people watching you and waiting for you to fail, but you tell yourself to stay strong. Driving used to exhaust me to the point where I literally have to tap out for the rest of the day because I have physically and mentally drained myself by talking to my self the entire drive. I grip the steering wheel so hard as if I am holding the car together and if I let go it will all fall apart; my entire body tenses up. Once I get out of the car, it feels like I’ve been working out for hours and my hands start to shake. Every single time I get out of that car I ask myself “But did you die though?” Because it’s reassurance that I made it and I need to stop being so hard on myself. It’s still a struggle to get behind the wheel, but a little Beyonce makes everything better.
Do you want to know what also sucks? Thinking the people you care about don’t want anything to do with you, so you choose not to reach out to them until you feel like it’s the right time. Or wanting to be invited out to events with friends, but not having the energy to go because the thought of going means having to find something to wear and having to converse with people. I love going out talking to new people and just having a good time, it’s just getting there and removing those toxic thoughts out of my mind. Over the past year and some change, I have grown some tough skin and I have been talking to myself daily; words of affirmation really works. Sometimes you have to talk to yourself in your own love language. Loving myself and telling myself everything is okay when I am doing great almost always get me through my anxiety attacks. Living with anxiety is like living in fear every single day of my life, I’m always thinking ahead to avoid any obstacles. It’s so exhausting, which is why I take time to myself these days; so much self-love is needed. Take care of yourself first and you might not even have to worry later; you’ll be prepared. Meditate and breathe.
Sitting on the edge of a rock while my feet hover over the ocean swinging back and forth. I inhaled so deep and closed my eyes while I exhaled. I hear nothing but the ocean waves and the seagulls flying overhead. The smell of the salt is so strong I can taste it. This place brings me to a quiet place that is usually very loud and chaotic; like one thought would manifest the next thought and the next thought would bring fear. But when I am here, it isn’t just me; I become one with the ocean, the rocks, and the wind. I start setting intentions and thinking positivity into my life; all the while meditating to the sound of one of life’s most precious gifts. We sometimes get too wrapped in the adversities we face in our everyday lives and we forget to check in on ourselves. And we when forget to check in, we often become unrecognizable to ourselves. We don’t want to get up and do those simple tasks we tell ourselves to do daily, because the bed sounds like a much better place to be. Small tasks such as taking a shower or just leaving my bedroom for a couple of hours was dreadful for me when I was going through a rough time in my life. I found something that takes me to a place and relaxes my entire body and most importantly my mind. There is nothing more important than self-care; I get it, your career is important to you and it is vital that you stay on top of it. Except, how will you be able to continue to excel in your career if you’re not in a healthy mindset? If you’re not in the best mental health, then you’re probably not in the best physical health; which leads to poor health choices and it will have a negative impact on your physical health leading to future conditions. All I’m saying is take the time you need for yourself. If you love your life, family, friends, and career; how the hell will you be able to show them if you’re not showing it to yourself. We must take care of ourselves first, even if that means a little retail shopping. Find that place or that thing, then find the peace in it and you’ll become one with everything.