Dealing with your trauma the best way I know how
Living and breathing on shells daily
Stuck under a rock and a wall you placed between us
Frozen at the front door of my own home
I see you working on demanding more of me
The look on your face when you think you’ve got it figured out
Afraid to let me in
I see the child and I want to set her free
But she can’t be freed here
To the young girl with the empty notepad
Exploring the unknown
Trying to find the words to express her hurt
Her sadness
Yet, forgiveness
The darkness that forced her to leave
A place that is now so foreign
A place which awakens her with memories of drifting away slowly, forever
She never takes enough
An emptiness that you can hear from the outside of her body
Hallow and silent
Her destination surely determines her fate
You pretend there isn’t a storm
Nothing to protect you from the rain and hail
You walk barefoot in the alley
Glass hidden in the cracks of the pavement
Penetrating the soles of your feet
You never complained
You took on the ocean
You never swam in anything deeper than 5ft
Yet you rode waves
shaping your own reality
Living freely
You never feared a thing
You said it never existed
It was all an illusion
I found your diary
Your fears were hidden in thin pages
Wrinkles on each
Written in cursive
Numbered
I was number one
Stuck in the belly of something inhuman
Drowning me in its emptiness
Voices fill my auricle
Now my mind is infested with fear
Fear of leaving myself behind
No knowledge of time
Or measurement of love
Poison consumed to cope with the darkness
My mind is now a prison
Unable to reach any depth
Vision is blurred
Shedding the images of self worth
Words cut like chains; ripping through my soul
I fight back with fire
Smoke filling my lungs
In hopes of keeping me numb for as long as I am here
Swallowed, but I have made it my home
I am in human
How can you know me?
I barely know myself;
I know who I’m becoming
Lost
Dark rings around my eyes
Always searching for depth
Sucked dry of the small bit of energy I have left
Knees so weak
So tired of trying to find you
Even though you are sad a lot
I look at you and smile
You are the most beautiful person I have ever known
Your heart is so big
You love the people that are in your life to the fullest
Your worst days are actually your best days
You walk through life like it’s your last
You appreciate the small things in life
The people in your life genuinely care for you and love you
Life isn’t always easy, but you live for the hard days
The days that challenge you the most
The days that push you out of your comfort zone
Nothing comes easy, but you’d rather work for it anyway
You pray for others more than you pray for yourself
Waking up is enough to be happy about for you
Seeing your family happy enough to live on
You acknowledge how special and beneficial you are to this earth
You serve a purpose
You simply, love
I am so happy to be you
Living with anxiety is like being disheveled in the grocery store line when the cashier hands you your change because you fear you’re taking too long. So instead of taking a breather and relax; I drop all of the coins on the floor trying to juggle the receipt, the coins, and my ten dollar bill. Living with anxiety is like crawling into bed and finally closing your eyes, but then the thought of your baby sister falling out of a window and you find yourself crying because it felt incredibly real. This happens to me a lot actually and it really sucks; sometimes I have to take drugs (sleeping medicine) to get myself to sleep when those days sneak up on me. The fear of driving because there are people watching you and waiting for you to fail, but you tell yourself to stay strong. Driving used to exhaust me to the point where I literally have to tap out for the rest of the day because I have physically and mentally drained myself by talking to my self the entire drive. I grip the steering wheel so hard as if I am holding the car together and if I let go it will all fall apart; my entire body tenses up. Once I get out of the car, it feels like I’ve been working out for hours and my hands start to shake. Every single time I get out of that car I ask myself “But did you die though?” Because it’s reassurance that I made it and I need to stop being so hard on myself. It’s still a struggle to get behind the wheel, but a little Beyonce makes everything better.
Do you want to know what also sucks? Thinking the people you care about don’t want anything to do with you, so you choose not to reach out to them until you feel like it’s the right time. Or wanting to be invited out to events with friends, but not having the energy to go because the thought of going means having to find something to wear and having to converse with people. I love going out talking to new people and just having a good time, it’s just getting there and removing those toxic thoughts out of my mind. Over the past year and some change, I have grown some tough skin and I have been talking to myself daily; words of affirmation really works. Sometimes you have to talk to yourself in your own love language. Loving myself and telling myself everything is okay when I am doing great almost always get me through my anxiety attacks. Living with anxiety is like living in fear every single day of my life, I’m always thinking ahead to avoid any obstacles. It’s so exhausting, which is why I take time to myself these days; so much self-love is needed. Take care of yourself first and you might not even have to worry later; you’ll be prepared. Meditate and breathe.
Sometimes I like to and listen and observe, mainly because I like to feel people out. I will sit in a room full of people having multiple conversations amongst each other. I like to get a sense of what I’m walking into before I engage in conversation with anyone. I’m not sure why; well because I’m a bit timid. I really hate conversing with a “know it all” because quite frankly it makes you look like an asshole unless you actually have the resources to back your shit up. If not, just talk what you know and not what you’ve heard. I like to think of myself as the dumbest person in the room because I have so much space to learn and I am willing to acknowledge my ignorance. To be fair I’m not the brightest person. so when I open a dialogue like this it leaves room for discussion criticism and it creeps me out! It gives me anxiety to think I may have to respond to someone because they disagree with my opinion of “know it alls” being assholes. Let me say this, they’re only assholes if they’re not willing to listen to another person’s reasoning and completely become guarded because they think someone is being offensive. I mentioned I am a bit afraid of dialogue because I have social anxiety, don’t get me wrong I love talking with people; I love picking people’s brains. I love people! I hate confrontation! I want people to disagree with me, I just hate when I’m talking to someone and something they said is just not factual and want to argue instead of getting their facts, it grinds my damn gears. I don’t talk about anything I have no clue about, that’s ignorant. I used to feel intimidated by really smart people, but actually, I love being around them. It’s something about learning new things through conversation. Almost like you find a way to relate it to your daily life and boom! It’s engraved in my brain and I can’t wait to share this knowledge with someone else. Moral of this long ass pointless passage is; Be present in every space you occupy with an opened mind and a willingness to learn.
