Posted in Free Thought, Misc., New Post, Poetry

One Last Chance

Miss You Saigon By Mikey Espinosa

To escape the boundaries you have set around us

I must escape the idea of being the only one

I must transcend myself into your shoes

In hopes of a different perspective

To find myself back into your presence

I must breed the confidence of the woman you aspire to be

I must transform myself into the woman you lust over

To melt into your arms all over again

Another chance is all I need

Posted in Free Thought, Misc., New Post

The Art of Letting Go

Sometimes I feel like I’m talking to myself. I’ve begun to acknowledge the words I put into the universe; it always seems to come back 10x depending on what you put out. I’ve been extremely vulnerable these past few months and it’s taken me back a bit. I’m so raw and honest about my emotions and my position in life right now that I feel as though people are walking away. It’s really sad because I care for these people so much, but the reciprocation is nonexistent. I love and care for myself as well as them so much that I am allowing these beings to be set free from me. It hurts to see them slowing disappearing, but I know it is vital that I let go. In order for me to continue flourishing, I must do what feels right for all parties. Letting go and evolving into the woman I hope to be. Love yourself endlessly so that no one else feels they have to.

Posted in Free Thought, Misc., Poetry

YOU

Even though you are sad a lot

I look at you and smile

You are the most beautiful person I have ever known

Your heart is so big

You love the people that are in your life to the fullest

Your worst days are actually your best days

You walk through life like it’s your last

You appreciate the small things in life

The people in your life genuinely care for you and love you

Life isn’t always easy, but you live for the hard days

The days that challenge you the most

The days that push you out of your comfort zone

Nothing comes easy, but you’d rather work for it anyway

You pray for others more than you pray for yourself

Waking up is enough to be happy about for you

Seeing your family happy enough to live on

You acknowledge how special and beneficial you are to this earth

You serve a purpose

You simply, love

I am so happy to be you

Posted in Free Thought, Misc.

Living with Anxiety

Living with anxiety is like being disheveled in the grocery store line when the cashier hands you your change because you fear you’re taking too long. So instead of taking a breather and relax; I drop all of the coins on the floor trying to juggle the receipt, the coins, and my ten dollar bill. Living with anxiety is like crawling into bed and finally closing your eyes, but then the thought of your baby sister falling out of a window and you find yourself crying because it felt incredibly real. This happens to me a lot actually and it really sucks; sometimes I have to take drugs (sleeping medicine) to get myself to sleep when those days sneak up on me. The fear of driving because there are people watching you and waiting for you to fail, but you tell yourself to stay strong. Driving used to exhaust me to the point where I literally have to tap out for the rest of the day because I have physically and mentally drained myself by talking to my self the entire drive. I grip the steering wheel so hard as if I am holding the car together and if I let go it will all fall apart; my entire body tenses up. Once I get out of the car, it feels like I’ve been working out for hours and my hands start to shake. Every single time I get out of that car I ask myself “But did you die though?” Because it’s reassurance that I made it and I need to stop being so hard on myself. It’s still a struggle to get behind the wheel, but a little Beyonce makes everything better.

Do you want to know what also sucks? Thinking the people you care about don’t want anything to do with you, so you choose not to reach out to them until you feel like it’s the right time. Or wanting to be invited out to events with friends, but not having the energy to go because the thought of going means having to find something to wear and having to converse with people. I love going out talking to new people and just having a good time, it’s just getting there and removing those toxic thoughts out of my mind. Over the past year and some change, I have grown some tough skin and I have been talking to myself daily; words of affirmation really works. Sometimes you have to talk to yourself in your own love language. Loving myself and telling myself everything is okay when I am doing great almost always get me through my anxiety attacks. Living with anxiety is like living in fear every single day of my life, I’m always thinking ahead to avoid any obstacles. It’s so exhausting, which is why I take time to myself these days; so much self-love is needed. Take care of yourself first and you might not even have to worry later; you’ll be prepared. Meditate and breathe.

Posted in Free Thought, Misc.

Vacant Mind

Sitting on the edge of a rock while my feet hover over the ocean swinging back and forth. I inhaled so deep and closed my eyes while I exhaled. I hear nothing but the ocean waves and the seagulls flying overhead. The smell of the salt is so strong I can taste it. This place brings me to a quiet place that is usually very loud and chaotic; like one thought would manifest the next thought and the next thought would bring fear. But when I am here, it isn’t just me; I become one with the ocean, the rocks, and the wind. I start setting intentions and thinking positivity into my life; all the while meditating to the sound of one of life’s most precious gifts. We sometimes get too wrapped in the adversities we face in our everyday lives and we forget to check in on ourselves. And we when forget to check in, we often become unrecognizable to ourselves. We don’t want to get up and do those simple tasks we tell ourselves to do daily, because the bed sounds like a much better place to be. Small tasks such as taking a shower or just leaving my bedroom for a couple of hours was dreadful for me when I was going through a rough time in my life. I found something that takes me to a place and relaxes my entire body and most importantly my mind. There is nothing more important than self-care; I get it, your career is important to you and it is vital that you stay on top of it. Except, how will you be able to continue to excel in your career if you’re not in a healthy mindset? If you’re not in the best mental health, then you’re probably not in the best physical health; which leads to poor health choices and it will have a negative impact on your physical health leading to future conditions. All I’m saying is take the time you need for yourself. If you love your life, family, friends, and career; how the hell will you be able to show them if you’re not showing it to yourself. We must take care of ourselves first, even if that means a little retail shopping. Find that place or that thing, then find the peace in it and you’ll become one with everything.

Posted in Free Thought, Misc.

This is Where I had my Exes Fucked Up

Love comes. Love goes. But it often comes back. Whether it be with your previous partner or with someone else. So I encourage you to live your life to the fullest the way you want. Don’t ever change how you view yourself because you are hurting. You are enough and you are absolutely worthy. Relationships either make us or break us; mostly they make us the person we strive to be. My past relationships were toxic because I was toxic and I was careless. I was living my life and not thinking about the emotional headspace my partners were in. My first relationship, I was given permission by my girlfriend at the time to go and experience another woman. I really liked this woman at the time, so I went ahead and experienced someone else and it was horrible. Everything about that night was horrible! That next morning my girlfriend at the time came in the apartment to pick me up and I still thought nothing of it. All three of us sat on the couch just talking about what we should do that day and later that day we all went to the mall. Once we were in the mall I realized that I was the hugest asshole because of the way she was treating my girlfriend and in a way I indirectly gave her the okay to feel superior to her. I lost interest immediately and my girlfriend cried in the mall. After my ex and I broke up I hooked u with that girl again and the sex was just horrible, I don’t think we had chemistry at all, it was not working. We were working strictly with appearances; I was attractive and so was she.

My second relationship was with an older woman. I was about 18; I had just graduated high school and she wanted me to move to Atlanta with her. I believe she was about 27 at the time. We were on completely different paths in our lives. I just graduated high school, I was looking into schools in Atlanta, she had a business she was running and she is also an artist. I don’t think we ever had that moment where we were like, “dang, I’m really into you” because the same day I got there I already knew it wouldn’t work, but I pushed for it anyway. She’s a grown woman who needs someone on her level and honestly, I wasn’t trying to be that person and I know she wasn’t trying to raise a child, because that’s exactly what I was; she would always tell me I was mature for my age, but I really wasn’t. Eventually, I moved back home and I’d get accused of cheating whenever I went out with my friends, I never cheated on her by the way, but I was just tired of it. She finally broke up with me and I was hurt because I didn’t see it coming and that felt like rejection in the worse way. My emotions weren’t in deep, thank god. She ended up calling me on and off and I thought it was fine because we were no longer together, I liked it better that way, but I just felt like I was wasting her time, I’m not what she was looking for. Then eventually she cut me off completely and I felt a way because I always wanted to be there, but in a selfish way. I was a very manipulative person, always hitting up my exes just to see if I was still on their mind.

My last relationship before my current wasn’t supposed to happen; it happened too soon I should say. She lived in San Francisco and I lived here; Minnesota. It lasted about 3 years, it was great until I stopped getting the attention I wanted. She stopped calling as much and just didn’t sound happy, I wish she would have broken it off because I tend to hold on to things longer than I should. She was a great person, but once I lose interest it’s over. Our third year I started seeing other people, I even tried hooking up with a guy, but I’m really too gay for all that. That’s a story for another time. This relationship and my first one have to be the worst shit I’ve ever done to anyone. I met a woman, who is now my partner and we got really close within a few weeks of knowing each other. Honestly, I wasn’t expecting us to get as close as we did, I planned on moving with my ex in San Francisco and it was getting harder and harder to leave because I was so interested in this woman I met. I ended up moving anyway, my ex found out I was talking to someone else and flipped out, as expected because I was a shit head. To make matters worse I had absolutely no remorse for her feelings, I simply did not care. I’m not a heartless person, but even though I didn’t care, it just felt wrong and I was confused as to why I didn’t feel her hurt. I watched her cry with a straight face and told her I was moving back home, I didn’t want to work it out. I left her in that apartment to move everything on her own, to settle the paperwork, and I left her to deal with her emotions on her own. After a few months I was disgusted with myself; so I wrote her via email apologizing. I know, how fucking selfish, you only wrote her so that you can let go of your guilt. Well, that guilt fucked me up and I deserved it. It really opened my eyes, I will never ever treat a person like that in my life ever again. I went to therapy for a multitude of reasons and the guilt I felt for hurting her was also the reason I attended. I was struggling to find out who I was and why I acted the way I did, I was completely heartless and that’s just not me! I have a heart of gold and I am the most compassionate person I know. My first girlfriend, who is now my best friend; every now and then I think about what I did to her and I hate myself. Like I said before, I tend to have a hard time letting things go.

I have been committed to this incredible woman for 4 going on 5 years now and she treats me like a queen. I have no idea what I did to deserve her. She has taught me so much about love, even though I am her first love. I have never loved a soul the way I love hers. Every single day I find myself asking how did I get so lucky? Every day I fall in love even more! We clicked right away, she had me writing her hella poems and shit; confessing my love. At the end of the day, don’t let an asshole like me fuck up your perception of love; I was dealing with my own shit and most of the time it has nothing to do with the people involved. If you’re blaming yourself because your partner left and cheated on you, stop it! You’re great! Someone who is unable to show you the respect you deserve doesn’t need to be in your life. If you’re feeling insecure after he/she cheated on you, don’t; they’re the ones with the problems. If you never want to love again, too bad, it’s going to happen and you will find someone who appreciates all of you whether you like it or not! After all that bullshit I put women through, I was given chances after chances to make it right. We do change, in yo face, bitches!

Posted in Free Thought, Misc.

Are You The Dumbest Person in The Room?

Sometimes I like to and listen and observe, mainly because I like to feel people out. I will sit in a room full of people having multiple conversations amongst each other. I like to get a sense of what I’m walking into before I engage in conversation with anyone. I’m not sure why; well because I’m a bit timid. I really hate conversing with a “know it all” because quite frankly it makes you look like an asshole unless you actually have the resources to back your shit up. If not, just talk what you know and not what you’ve heard. I like to think of myself as the dumbest person in the room because I have so much space to learn and I am willing to acknowledge my ignorance. To be fair I’m not the brightest person. so when I open a dialogue like this it leaves room for discussion criticism and it creeps me out! It gives me anxiety to think I may have to respond to someone because they disagree with my opinion of “know it alls” being assholes. Let me say this, they’re only assholes if they’re not willing to listen to another person’s reasoning and completely become guarded because they think someone is being offensive. I mentioned I am a bit afraid of dialogue because I have social anxiety, don’t get me wrong I love talking with people; I love picking people’s brains. I love people! I hate confrontation! I want people to disagree with me, I just hate when I’m talking to someone and something they said is just not factual and want to argue instead of getting their facts, it grinds my damn gears. I don’t talk about anything I have no clue about, that’s ignorant. I used to feel intimidated by really smart people, but actually, I love being around them. It’s something about learning new things through conversation. Almost like you find a way to relate it to your daily life and boom! It’s engraved in my brain and I can’t wait to share this knowledge with someone else. Moral of this long ass pointless passage is; Be present in every space you occupy with an opened mind and a willingness to learn.

Posted in Free Thought, Misc.

Bad Habits

I’ve noticed That I’ve started to pick up some habits that I think for myself are “bad habits” only because I’ve started to do these daily. As soon as I walk in my house I grab my bowl and spark up; especially after a long day at work. Usually, I go home and rip my clothes off and just go to my room while my girlfriend stays in the living room so that I can recharge from being around certain draining energies. Being around hyperactive people for more than 20 minutes is just too much, but 8 got damn hours? It’s draining me so much to the point I chose to smoke weed after work every day to calm my nerves. Since I’ve picked up this habit, I haven’t been as moody; as soon as I hit the bowl I’m feeling great and level-headed. Now here’s where the problem comes in; it’s extremely unhealthy for me to be inhaling smoke into my lungs at all. Also, I haven’t been facing my problems heads on like I usually do. As soon as I pick up that lighter it’s like I forget all my problems! It worries me because I really don’t want to stop because it’s helping my anxiety and moods swings that are out of this world. Every day I have to apologize to my wonderful girlfriend for my wrongdoing, without my green I’m a bitch. At least I’ve acknowledged I have a problem and I need to figure out a way to limit my intake. If it was legal here I could buy edibles and I wouldn’t have to worry about the smoke and I wouldn’t consume it every day.

Posted in Free Thought, Misc.

If You Have Life, You Have Purpose

Give up the need to know what happens tomorrow and fully appreciate your life at this exact moment. You’re probably in the depths of disparity because you lost track of being here in the moment and you never got over whatever it is you are battling. Try Living without self-judgment and try accepting who you are, that way you’ll have a positive transition to the person you are becoming. You don’t want to hate the person you were because with every struggle there is a beautiful outcome. The obstacles we go through in life make us who we are; when we look back on that we should always be grateful. You spend so much time in despair, you forget to move on and now you think you’re on the wrong path, but in all actuality, you’re not. We are simply stuck and basking in this unfortunate event in our lives. It’s always hard to just pick up where we left off, sometimes we have to reflect on the things that stop us in our tracks. For every choice we make, we are actually making a million choices; so not only is our mind making choices, our hearts are in it as well. When you’re down on hardships, take that moment to yourself and figure out how to get out of it and think about how you even got there. We must learn from our mistakes and keep it moving. Make the choice of a healthy and happier life.

Posted in Free Thought, Misc.

What Consumes You?

What is life like when your mind isn’t consumed with thoughts that disconnect you from yourself? What does it feel like to breathe without an ache? I am truly yearning for that feeling. I want to connect with myself so badly, I want to feel light and continue to grow through life effortlessly. I want to be able to feel free from trauma and worries. My entire life I’ve felt like I’ve been carrying the weight of my family emotions on my shoulders. It’s terrible that I continue to babysit my families mental state, I literally feel like their therapists sometimes. My problem is that I am waiting for them to get better so that Incan move on and I know I am making the biggest mistake of my life doing this. Sometimes I don’t want to deal My my own emotions because I feel like a burden to myself and I know it will physically make me sick to the point I will not leave my own nor my bed. I want to be “Sad Girl” free for once in my life. I’m not saying I’m never happy, I’m saying I want to learn to deal with this in a healthy way. I want peace of mind and I want to help others around me reach that point as well.