On Sundays

Things that make me happy? Basking in a clean house with lots of natural light in my sports bra and underwear. Wood floors so shiny from cleaning all morning. Erykah Badu “On and On” blasting in my stereo with incense in both hands, swirling around and dancing to the music. A huge bowl of fruit in my living room with one of my favorite books and a bowl packed ready to give reality a break from my mad brain.

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Me Time

Fifty thousand miles away from a place I live, but I can’t call home

The shades began to open letting the sunrise slip into my hotel room

Glazing over my legs,

so warm and orange

As I sit on my bed reminiscing about you, is in this actual room

Silky set on from the night before in hope of hearing my door creek and I play like I’m asleep

Legs wide open

The sunrise has covered my entire body making me so warm inside

And all of a sudden so sticky

Who would have thought being alone in this city would bring me so much pleasure

Reaching into the nightstand next to the bed and with a click of a button I had the most intense orgasm not even a tape could measure

I massage my hands through my curly fro and whispered my own name, Angelique

I had to get myself together

Become that Light

Love yourself immensely. Be the only light you look to when you’re trapped in that dark place. You may feel trapped in a world you see as evil because of the lack of love in the world or the lack of love you were previously given. Love is not the enemy here.

Give yourself that love that you are lacking. If you must know, it is vital that you put yourself first no matter what. You cant reciprocate what you don’t have my love. She/he will not be enough if you’re unsure what your limit is. Get to know that person inside and build because I’m the future it will pay off. You will be able to love the way you want. You will be able to appreciate the love you’re receiving from whomever.

sometimes we have to deal with the negative thoughts that cloud our minds, telling us things that we hate about ourselves. Our mind literally is a battle of its own and we must take time for ourselves to accept who we are in those profound moments. The moment we accept who we are in the ugliest moments in our lives, the more appreciation we have for ourselves in the future. We knew what it was like to hate ourselves because of whatever trauma we’ve endured in our past and it makes for a much better story.

Watching yourself grow and become that person you so longed to be is the greatest feeling ever. I’m not saying I love every aspect of my life, but if you knew what I’ve been through you’d agree the growth is amazing. I’m still fighting battles, but the difference is I go in a winner before the battle ends. I go in thinking I will not be defeated because I am always ready for whatever. I know there is a light at the end of every tunnel, it just takes time. Run at your own pace. You’re loving for yourself and nobody else.

Eliminate every toxic thing and being in your life. They serve no purpose at all, except the purpose to hold you back and that’s not what we want. Our purpose is to love unconditionally in all aspects of life and be happy. Don’t ever settle for “okay” get what deserve out of life. Peace and love.

Control

Dragged across the room like a rag doll in front of my friends

I begged you to stop so many times

My so-called friends stood there and watched me get assaulted by the man I thought loved me

7 punches to the face

I counted each punch

That’s all I could do and I took every hit

I watched you cock your arm behind your head and watched you come down on my face too heavy

I could see stars

I smelled blood before I could even taste it

Your eyes were so dark I didn’t recognize you

I could hear your teeth grinding against each other

It felt like days and I was for sure I was going to die

I wanted to die

You stomped me over and over

I could feel my bones shatter

I could no longer make a sound

I gave up trying to protect myself

I could see my lifeless body in a pool of blood in the middle of my best friends living room

All because I wanted to say goodbye to my best friend

I never did get to say goodbye

Short Rant

It’s so hard to pick up where you left off. That long streak of inspiration felt like winning the lottery because for once I thought I found what I’m good at. I’m not saying I’m terrible at this, but I came in thinking this would be nothing because at the time, this sounds like a walk in the park and this is what I’ve loved to do since I was a child. Expressing myself using words only I can understand so deeply because it comes from the heart. I’ve tried stepping out of my comfort zone to try something new, but it’s so hard and I becomes stuck for days on out. I promised myself I would continue to challenge myself and make this blog my diary if it helps. Rant over.

Starting Over

As I watch you try and finally love yourself

You’re stuck feeding the ego of your demons

Stripping away every part of yourself that you built with sweat and blood

Every new layer revealing your weaknesses

They began to scare you

You finally see being strong isn’t so easy

Loving your enemies isn’t any easier

More layers reveal how tired you are becoming and you’re ready to give up

You’re looking for a way out

Trying to hold the pieces left of you together

Cutting your love line,

The hardest part of starting over

Slightly sweet in the most bitter time

Past Lover

Irrupting in your life-like a home invasion

Not one notice

You still welcome me with open arms,

As if your heart has healed in this short time

Not giving you the space to identify the woman you long to be

Bringing a halt your  growth with a few words or less

You are mine

So demanding and entitled to the world

But still, you drop everything

Giving your all to me just to crumble in seconds

Reassuring me that you’re forever mine

Reassuring me I control your mind

Fogging your every thought that was once free

Stripping your dignity in one stroke

You are mine forever

Once that door closes,

You’re left picking the pieces you thought was just the beginning

Only to find out it was finally the end